Monday, March 12, 2012

New Assignment

So I'm going to write an entry on this blog every day. Just writing that sentence made my wrists sort of lock up, but it's what I'm going to do, because 1) I have no reason not to, and 2) I'm a great writer. When people ask you why you read this blog, you'll be hard pressed to be hard pressed to have an answer, and that answer is: Great Writing. So not only will you be able to participate in reading this Great Blog with Great Writing on it, you'll be able to subtly put those people in their respective places who are poking their noses into your reading habits. Great Writing, Steve, that's why I read APKWIAB. Great Writing - maybe you've heard of it? Doesn't matter if he has or not, by God he'll pretend he has the faintest idea about what Great Writing is, if it means he won't be made to look inferior in front of his closest friends.

Humiliating others, that's another thing this blog is about. It isn't so much about funny cat pictures or videos (unless any potential advertisers advise me at any point that that is what this blog should be about), it isn't about spreading a message or spearheading a movement, or even transmitting knowledge of any kind, in any sense. It's just a way, the New Way, to make others feel bad about themselves for not being involved in the latest thing; which, quite obviously, is this blog. It's the Latest Thing. And now is your chance to get in on the ground floor of this outlying decrepit ramshackle hut on the fringe of the living internet, this blog. Although we just had the inspectors through and as it turns out, the ground floor is the only floor actually safe enough to allow anyone to get in on, structurally speaking.

Today's blog entry (at this point I should advise you that blog entries on this blog may consist largely of self-serving rhetoric for at least the first two paragraphs, and possibly for a parenthetical aside in the first sentence of the third one) is about soda. Boy, do I love soda. Nothing with HFCS (that's High Fructose Corn Syrup, I'll save your fingers the google), but these new sodas, with the Real Sugar in them. Great Writing Fueled by Real Sugar. That's the new motto around here. There's another thing that anyone interested in reading APKWIAB should get right on board with: new mottoes. I plan on instating a new motto in at least every entry, if not bi- or semi-entrially. Wait, I forget which one of those means what. I'm not wasting my time with accuracy, though, or googling anything or using my memory to know things. New mottoes, though - those are something I intend to fuck with and waste my time with. Soda - it's like sugar water, but tastes better and has bubbles! There you go, ad industry, that one's free.

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