It might seem clear to you that I have tricked you into coming to my blog page with a not-very-convincing promise that if you click the link you will get to see hot pics of naked people. Well, if you really thought that you would get to see that by clicking this, congratulations, you're stupid. But you might as well stick around and read about what I've got going on today!
I heard somewhere on the internet that what people really want to read on a blog is the writing of someone who is an expert on something. I thought, "Perfect. I'm an expert on everything." Actually I said it out loud. Hey, when you know something is true, you say it out loud, like when it's cold outside. "Boy, it's cold!" is something I might be heard to say, if it's cold. If it's not cold, I might say something else, like "Boy, it's hot!" Only if it's hot though - you get the idea. Saying things out loud helps progenerate your thoughts into dynamic word masses.
But what is an expert, really? Expertise is an undefinable (indefinable? indefinite?) quality to have. Who's to say when someone is an expert at something? For instance, a guy might say he's an expert marksman with a crossbow, but unless you let him hunt you for sport for 3 days and nights, there's no way of knowing. So you can't know if someone's an expert just from them telling you, because they might be lying.
Another way someone could come to be perceived as an expert is if a lot of other people that know the person all say "Hey, that guy's a real expert fisherman!" (If the guy is really really good at fishing. If he were really really good at something else, they would say...you get the idea.) But what if all of those people that say that are lying too? Why would a lot of people lie about someone being an expert at something? Maybe the guy paid them to say it. Maybe they're all good friends of his and they're trying to be nice and not hurt his feelings. Maybe they want free fish (if he's a fisherman).
My point is, there is really no way to objectively be an expert at anything. So I might as well pretend to be an expert at everything (even though I'm not pretending), and start dispensing advice. Medical advice, marital advice, mechanical advice - seems like advice on things that start with "M" is as good a place as any to start.
I should mention that I'm not a doctor, I've never been married, and I cannot even repair a bicycle, let alone anything with an internal combustion engine in it. I'm not gonna let that stand in my way, though. The best way to Grow Your Expertise is to get out there and start advising people. March into that emergency room and grab the scalpel out of the medical guy (whatever he's called)'s hand. Admonish him for his poor technique, slap his face if you feel it's necessary - use your Expertise. Tell your friend who is having marriage troubles to divorce his wife. (This one's a can't-miss. If he decides it wasn't the right thing to do, just tell him to call off the divorce! No harm done.) Open the hood of your neighbor's car and pull out a couple of the wires and hoses or whatever's in there. Then wait. When he tries to start his car and it won't start, advise him that he's having car trouble! Put your hand on his shoulder so he won't take it too hard. Tell him, "It happens to the best of us." He will fear and respect you.
First thing tomorrow afternoon, I'm gonna take my expertise out of the fake internet world and into the real world of reality. I encourage you to do the same thing, and I bet with all of us working together (or against each other, we'll see how the day plays out), we can fix just about anything we put our mind(s) to fixing. Sure is a relief knowing that the future is in my own hands.