Sunday, March 18, 2012

A Few Basic Martial Arts Moves You Should Know

Some of you may know that I am an accomplished martial artist. No need to avert your eyes in terror and respect - I wish to impart knowledge to you. On you? To you. I apologize for the spotty grammar so far in this post, I am on my deathbed, as I have recently suffered a quite serious martial arts-related injury to my duodenum. No need to apologize for your inconsiderate nature, asking me to teach you The Martial Arts when I am in this weakened and basically dying state. I understand, and in this phase of my life, my twilight years, it is my only remaining joy to see you learn these few basic moves and go out to maim and kill your opponents on the streets of battle.

The first move I will cover is the Knuckle Kick. The Knuckle Kick sounds complicated, but it is really a very basic Manoeuver. Imagine yourself on the streets of battle. Maybe it's cloudy outside, and you cut a dashing figure against the flying slabs of clouds. The sun winks at your head. Your opponent flies suddenly at you, with a devastating Power Kick! You must immediately pivot on your right foot - no, your right foot. Jesus - OK, look, pivot on your - there! now counter his kick with the second knuckle of your third finger. I'm sorry, forgive me, they've pumped me full of drugs and I can barely communicate. I meant to say the third knuckle of your second finger. Imagine it the other way around! Seems ridiculous, doesn't it, even to an idiot layman like you. Yes, so, counter his kick with your Knuckle Strike. Plant the knuckle with ceaseless verve into his basal ganglia. He will be dead in 20 nanoseconds.

The second move is the Sleeping Monkey. The name of this move can be deceptive (or deceiving, I'm not quite sure, as I am now in throes of agony due to my approaching demise), but don't be fooled. It can be easily understood, despite the fact that you are an ignorant peasant worker. Question: when is your opponent at his weakest? Correct: When he is taking a shit. Simply throw a garbage can at the top of his head as he sits down on the toilet. I'm sorry, in my debilitated and delirious state, I instructed you incorrectly. The technique I just described is called Garbage Can Shitting Man's Head, and I learned it in high school by having it performed on me. The correct answer to "when is your opponent at his weakest" is While He Is Asleep. To perform the Sleeping Monkey, simply sneak into his house and murder him. Wait until he is asleep first.

The third and final move...nurse, more, even more than that...gooooood. All right. The final move in basic martial arts, which even a total fucking moron such as yourself should be able to wrap your mind around, is the Arm. Imagine your...rrrghh...i'm dying...rrrr....your opponent shambling towards you. He is gnashing his teeth viciously, as the gears of a Chevy with a busted timing belt might gnash together. He is fearsome, cut like a statue out of marble. Beautiful, even. You want nothing more than to suck his dick. But he strikes out at you with a frightening array of kicks and punches! Much to your chagrin. You step aside, and allow the kicks and punches to go hurtling off into outer space. Now step in and hit him with your Arm. His whole fuckin head will just completely fly off. You are victorious.

I must go to my death now. But I trust I will meet you on the streets of the afterlife of battles, and we will bow to each other and then give each other a fabulous bro hug. Hail.

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