"I download music/movies/_________ illegally but if I like it I'll buy it" - A Liar
Haha, no you won't. Why would you buy something once you already have it for free? Oh, to support the artist? I can see the logic behind that. Haha, no I can't. Do you also steal Tide from CVS and if it gets your clothes really clean you go give them money? I'm sorry, I'm just fucking with you - from what I understand, there are people who actually do this - download an artist's album or something and then make a donation if they like it. But you're not going to! I know you. You don't do things like that. You say things like that so you can get out of paying for things, that's what you do.
Like remember a few months ago when Louis CK came out with the video of his special at the Beacon theatre, available only from his site for $5? You stole that shit. I know you did! Dude I fucking know you did. Because Free is still better than Five Dollars. That's an immutable law. I learned that fuckin shit in 7th grade, in like, physics or something. Someone discovered that shit in the middle ages or whatever.
And when your friend's band came out with an album, and they put it up on the internet for sale, and you found a copy for free somewhere else on the internet? You downloaded that free shit. And on top of that, you secretly resented your friend (and, by proxy, his entire band) for having the nerve to suggest that you pay for what is essentially a free album. If he were a real friend, if he really cared about your opinion of his band, he would have sent you a download code for a free copy of the album, so you wouldn't have to listen to the shitty 192kbps MP3 version of it that you ended up with, and BESIDES, THE ALBUM ISN'T EVEN THAT GOOD. What a dick your fucking friend is.
And fuck movies though. You don't even begin to understand why someone would pay to rent or buy an actual physical copy of a movie. 2012, dude. Come on. Movie studios have tons of money! Tons of money. Movie stars. Production and shit. Plus they constantly are blocking off the street to film these piece of shit movies, and you can never find a parking space for your car. As far as you are concerned, movie studios owe you free movies, and possibly a free parking space. You should do that thing again where you eat some cheese and crackers out of the catering tent the next time you walk by it. And if you like the cheese and crackers, you'll mail a box of Ritz to Warner Brothers. IF you like it.