Monday, March 26, 2012

Action Movie Reviews!

I thought I'd take a little time to review A FEW OF MY FAVORITE sorry caps lock a few of my favorite movies in my favorite movie genre: Action! Action movies are when there is a lot of stuff happening on the screen all at once. Or sometimes a guy will put his face really close to another guy and say something like "better luck next time" in a weird hoarse voice (it's to show he's really masculine). Action movies are not for the faint of heart. How is there not a band called Faint Of Heart? I just googled it, there isn't one. Boom, the next thing you know, in an Action movie, there's an EXPLOSION! And a car chase.

You ever notice some guys are like, super masculine all the time? You can't even hug them without them slapping you on the back really hard. I mean all I want is a hug. I don't need to be rudely assaulted. Is it because they don't actually like hugging other men, is that why they need to dress it up like we're kind of in a fight or about to get in a wrestling match? It seems to me that if you didn't like hugging other men, you could just say "no thanks bro" in a deep scratchy voice when they went to hug you. No big deal, problem solved, and nobody gets slapped on their sensitive back, which they may or may not spend a lot of time moisturizing. Then you could, I don't know, jump off something tall to assert your manliness.

I guess you might hurt someone's feelings if you were to deny them a hug. After all, they're trying to show you love. Pure love, that's all - like a puppy dog shows pure love to its master. Or actually more like a puppy shows love to another puppy. It's like when two puppies hug each other, then fall asleep together in a cute position, maybe they spoon each other a little bit and someone takes a video of it and puts it on the internet, and it gets over ten million views. What's the harm in that? Who's getting hurt? It's just two guys hugging and spooning each other, maybe they kiss a little, no big deal, and they video it and put it on the internet. Nobody gets slapped around, nobody's feelings get hurt, and two men get to experience the warmth of another man's body. Pure love!

Pure action, that's what I like to see, though. High-adrenaline films. My favorite thing really is a guy is the good guy, he's a cop or something, and he doesn't play by the rules. I love not playing by the rules! It doesn't always go over so well though. In football games, they really hate it when you don't play by the rules. I was the reserve safety on my high school's football team, and whenever they put me in, I was known as the renegade player who played by his own rules. I would make up my own plays, or would just take the football away from one of the other guys on my team and throw it into the creek near where the football field was. I caught hell from the coach, that's for sure - but I was the only guy on the force with the BALLS (no pun intended...?) to show that establishment prick that things don't always go by the book! I got my ass kicked

But not everything can be pure action. Hey guys, you ever have to sit through some silly romance movie just because your partner, who isn't as masculine as you, wants to experience feelings? It's the worst, right? Those super-hot actors making faces and explaining themselves, the female actors doing whatever? UGH it's so boring! I always wish someone would just punch someone else in the face and get things going in these movies. I'm all for experiencing emotions with other men (or women), but enough already. I especially hate it when one of my favorite Action movie stars takes a Serious Role in a Romantic movie, and acts like a total pussy? I mean come on. You know they have to hate doing that. It just makes me want to watch some bad-ass shit where there's a bunch of guys in t-shirts with the sleeves cut off and they're all like "let's DO this!" and then they punch a hole through a cardboard box, and then they hug and slap each other on the back, and all touch each other's dicks.    

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