Monday, March 19, 2012

Zombie Apocalypse Redux

Zombie Apocalypse is definitely one of my favorite scenarios. It's the end of the world, I don't have to go to work anymore, there's no one to tell me what to do, and I can run around in the streets tirelessly with a battleaxe, Killing Zombies. I have no desire or ability to kill actual living people, but if it's zombies, all bets are off. I hate zombies. They're gross and usually bleeding or injured in some way, and worst of all, they're hungry!

I really need very little to survive, as I already live a fairly spartan existence. I am well-prepared to live off the land, as long as land somehow produces pizza and burgers in abundance, as God intended it to. I have the clothes on my back, and they are all I need, unless of course the Zombie Apocalypse lasts longer than three months and my clothes either wear out or are no longer seasonally appropriate.

In an apocalypse-type situation, I would probably do pretty well, especially if there are zombies, even though I have refused to learn the basic lesson of zombie lore, which is that the other surviving humans are going to be a much larger pain in the ass to deal with. I can't wait until the zombie apocalypse happens and all my access to fresh water and medicine is fed through a chokepoint of para-governmental control. I can't wait to sell my butt for a bottle of poland spring.

I'm so excited for that day, when the dead walk the earth, and I can walk around outside with my machete and flamethrower and sweet steampunk accessories and decapitate the dead, for at least three hours, before I am inevitably trapped in a basement with a group of living humans that don't share any social mores with me and we can talk at each other until we formulate a terrible plan of sticking together and making a run for it. Or better yet, a plan of barricading ourselves inside until "help" arrives. It will be so amazing when the end of the world comes and I am forced to hang out with a bunch of people I don't like in order to survive. I don't know how to load a gun but I am sure I will have access to one.

It will be great also to ride my murdered-out motorcycle, free at last, across the wasteland, until either it runs out of gas or I get clotheslined by a wire that someone has tied across the road, and my broken body is looted for shoelaces and chewing gum. The key is to keep moving, and trust my survival skills, which I don't have any of. I'm ready for anything.

The real thing to remember is that the Zombies are dead people. They're no longer alive, so it's OK to viciously mutilate their animate bodies. Unless they are the 28 Days Later-type zombies, where they're not actually reanimated corpses, they're just people who have sort of an aggressive rabies-type disease that makes them extremely violent and unreasonable. Even then it's OK, because they have lost the ability to reason, and they're bloodthirsty animals, it's totally fine to kill them and chop their heads off, and I shouldn't imagine I will be subjected to the any of the side effects of taking another living person's life. They are walking loopholes in morality.

In fact, should the definition of "zombie" be even slightly relaxed - to include, say, the criminally insane - things are really looking up for me. This opens up a whole new demographic of people I can mercilessly kill, because they're no longer people. I don't even really need to know that much about how violent or insane they really are; pretty much everyone in like a certain-colored jumpsuit with a number on the back is probably fair game to beat in the head with a baseball bat. It's totally fine.

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