Thanks for joining us for Thursday night low-stakes poker tournament. I'm your host, Chip "Ted" Wallace. The game is texas hold-em. Don't know how to play? Don't worry. Just hang on tight for one of the most scintillating nights of semi-gambling in your life!
Over here at table four, we've got some real solid action going on. It seems that Player __________ has failed to post his big blind. The game has now ground to a halt; play has been stopped for over an hour. No one is really sure what to do. The big blind is currently set at two hundred, or less than 1/100th of each player's total chip stack. There's a lot of speculation going on: is he contemplating an all-in? Is he unwilling to risk posting his mandatory bet? Or is he simply unaware that it is his turn to put in money? No one wants to be rude and assume this last case - politeness is, as you know, the most important part of low-stakes poker. Is he having a very subtle seizure? The other players have been doing their best to look expectantly at Player __________ for over a full hour now. One player appears to have to use the restroom quite badly, and is squirming noticeably at this point. Another player's eyes have failed due to intense squinting, and he is now functionally blind. The time is 3:35 AM. We'll be back after this commercial announcement:
Tonight's poker game is brought to you by Red Bull, chocolate, seltzer, and Advil. Playing poker late? Feeling beat? Drink and eat all of these things. Not only will you feel great tonight, you'll feel extra-weird when you have to get up for work in four hours! Or extra-terrible when you get up late because you don't have a job and you played poker for seven hours only to lose between 20 and 40 dollars, or make (at most) 140.
OK, we're back. Player ________ has still not posted his big blind. One of the other players has gone into cardiac arrest, paramedics have been rushed to the table and are currently shocking his body with those shock paddle things. What do you call those? In any event, it would appear that he is unresponsive. The paramedics are not sure what to do with the body, however, as the big blind has still not been posted. Player _________ has a look on his face that could be described as "guarded". The paramedics have decided to leave the deceased player at his seat in anticipation of the eventual posting of the big blind and the continuation/conclusion of what has been (to say the least) a very well-considered hand of poker by Player ________. The paramedics have pulled up seats for themselves.
Folks, we've just had word that the President has called for a stop to the natural passage of time until Player _________ posts his bet. That's right, you do not need to worry about getting up early yourselves for work tomorrow, feeling groggy and useless from a night of watching televised low-stakes poker, because with the help of the Department of Homeland Security (and some generous assistance from the Bureau of Weights and Measures), Eastern Standard Time has been paused at the current time, which is 3:47 AM. Word is that the President is en route to the poker room. It seems that once he heard about the big blind situation at low-stakes poker night, he said quote "I gotta see this". We expect him within the next...well I suppose it's hard to say, what with the suspension of the natural laws of time. The player who had to use the restroom has, predictably, released into his pants. The other players are inching their chairs away from him, except for Player __________, who continues to sit, statuesque, with his two cards in his hand. The look on his face could be described as "pensive".
This is very surprising! Player _______ appears to be posting...no, I'm sorry, sorry to everyone at home, that was my miscall - I thought he was going for his chips there, but as it turns out he was only reaching down to scratch his right leg.
I'm getting some more information in my earpiece from upstairs...well, that's quite something...ladies and gentlemen, the earth has ceased rotating on its axis, and...yes, OK, I understand...and has also, I'm being told now, also stopped its current rotation around the sun. Player ________ has a look on his face that could be described as "sheet rock". All of the fillings in my cavities just a moment ago were sucked from my mouth and flew out the window. Reports coming in of waterspouts over central Nebraska. Several nuclear missles have launched into themselves. My microphone is now speaking on its own, in fact I have not been speaking for over an hour. Low stakes poker night.