Friday, May 31, 2013

Weaponized Mexican Food

When you enter the arena of battle, the field of combat, you should always choose the right tool for the job, the right armament for the situation. The same is true for when you enter the field of dinner, or lunch.

Obviously, the burrito stands out at the most deadly of the Mexican food items. Whether you want to drop that thing in a mortar, triangulating red spicy on enemies up to 2 clicks away, carnage asada, or fire it from an M249 grenade launcher, multiple rounds, THOONK, the explosive power of the burrito is unparalleled. But do not overlook the burrito as a method of delivering straight blunt force trauma. When wielded like a brick, things can get messy for your enemy.

Chilaquiles are more of a defensive weapon. Throw them up as a smokescreen, a breakfast foil, to create confusion among the ranks of your foes. Nachos are good for camouflage; we need only remember the exploits of SEAL Team Tex-Mex as they crawled through the jungle, virtually invisible with guacamole battledress and deep chips, jalapeno insignias.

While deployed, you may get hungry. Do not eat your weaponry! I know it's tempting, everything looks good when compared to an MRE. Instead, though, simply boil up a plate of 5.56mm standard rounds. They can be a little firm at first, but with some chewing work and an iron jaw, you'll get 'em down, al dente ammunition. Similarly, eating the butt end of a rifle provides a lot of good fiber for your diet, and the best part is, no preparation is necessary! Just take a bite of that stock like a cartoon character.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Help Wanted

We are looking for an unmotivated, disorganized individual to join our organization. Candidates must be unfamiliar with most office software and be uncomfortable in fast-paced environments. Attention to detail is not important; the ideal applicant will not even be able to visually distinguish objects from the backgrounds they lay against, will literally not be able to separate the trees from the forest.

We are not looking for someone to be part of a team, to build relationships with their coworkers, or even really get along with people that well. This is just a job. We are looking for an employee, someone to punch in/punch out and not devote a single second outside work to thinking about work. You should not have a smartphone with email capabilities. You must not be available to work nights or weekends.

An ideal hire for this position will be completely unaware of the existence/nature of Social Media. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Youtube - these words will bounce off our prospective worker like wads of paper tossed at them by a classmate in junior high school. You should be ignorant of and mildly irritated by the internet.

We don't want a people person; we barely even want a person. Don't be animated and driven. We'll tell you what to do. Simply present us with a shell of who you are, your closest approximation of what a human being resembles. Be alive only in the most literal sense of the word; breathe, eat lunch, sit in a chair.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

A Non-Endorsement Of Jumping

Yesterday I was outside a place where there was a gathering of some kind, and there was a ring of people outside, gated into a "smoking area" by a low rope, and they stood and blew smoke rings and shot the shit.

As I approached them, I thought, as I sometimes think (when approaching an obstacle), maybe I should jump over the rope. It was maybe two feet off the ground, just at about thigh height, and therefore slightly too high to step over without looking slightly foolish. So I decided to jump over it. And I did. Jump over it, into the smoking area, and someone made an offhand comment, and then everyone resumed doing nothing.

Sitting here at Jimmy's Diner, in the window (or, rather, at a counter seat facing the window) I just watched a guy come out of the condos across the street, the condos themselves an exercise in architectural brutality, looking for all intents like a suburban doctor's office complex, jutting rudely and improbably against the off-blue early evening sky.

So as this guy came out of the building and went to cross the street, he gamely leapt over a low hedge that separates the semi-circular driveway of the building from the sidewalk. Upon landing, he looked quickly and nervously right and left, in the manner of one who is about to commit, or rather has just committed, an act of vandalism or public urination.

This is all that's left, is my point. Aside from sanctioned activities such as bicycle riding or jogging or Crossfit™ or Karate (or Kung Fu or whatever), athleticism is largely absent and unnecessary in daily city life. The act of jumping in the air looks (and feels, honestly) entirely incongruous in contrast to the hard realities of street, building, motorcycle, pole, car, and even to slight deviances in activities of routine - taking the stairs two at a time, chasing a just-missed bus.

This should not be taken as an endorsement of Parkour (AKA "freestyle running"), which is actually just skateboarding with no board, and usually is boiled down to routines and performing Tricks over and over in a attempt to Land them, much like a stuntman in a Jackie Chan movie of the late 1990s, or like Jackie Chan himself in one of those movies.

I'm just saying it looks really weird when someone jumps over something instead of walking all the way around it, and how the fuck did that happen.

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Motivational Advice For Thursday

You can be whatever you want. You can do whatever you want with your life. Can you think of it? Then it can be done.

Many innovators came from "humble beginnings". Take for example a young Bill Grates, building Microsport brand computers in a disused septic tank in his parents' backyard. Do you think he thought anything would become of his life or his brand as he was pacing back and forth in ankle-deep waste sludge, loath to see the sunlight? The answer is, no. He probably envisioned a slow death in an atmosphere of significant odor. And look at him now! Well, he was doing well up until his untimely, recent death.

Also do you think the inventor of Tetris™ ever thought his idea for a video game would one day be adopted into a multi-platform empire? That its popularity would one day reach its apex, its zenith, with a guy who lives in Queens (me) playing the Electronic Arts™ licensed version of Tetris™on his computer phone while riding the M train? If you had told young Alexei Serganov (inventor of Tetris™) about this eventual possibility, he would have cursed at you, because he was rude and had Tourette's syndrome (not sure if there's a different word for it in Russian, or if the guy was even Russian). He just knew that he had a bunch of crazy-shaped blocks in his head and wouldn't it be cool if there were a game where all the blocks fell down one by one and you had to fit them into place. He'd been fitting those blocks together his whole LIFE, he just never knew it (metaphor).

Lastly, how do you think "Gentleman" Che Guevara would have felt if he knew his legend would resonate throughout history? One of the finest boxers in Spain, he was known for his good manners and clean-shaven appearance. But one day he would come up against Kid Fidel (Castro) in one of the most controversial bouts in the history of sport. Hotly debated even to this day, the "Slammer In Havana" as the fight was known, ended in confusion when the two fighters touched gloves, then touched gloves again, then continued touching gloves for over 7 hours as the referee pretended that a road flare was a cigar he was smoking, and the undulating, amorphous crowd burst into flame and fused into a solid mass of flesh. 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Always Carry Proper ID

It is punishable offense to walk around New York City without Proper ID. To live, to amble about, to be ambulatory without a state-issued picture of yourself which confirms that You are Yourself in the eyes of the state, can land you in hot water.

In large buildings, employees are issued pictures of themselves which confirm their identity. They wear them around their necks, often proudly, as if to say "I am me, I am Myself, and this picture proves it."

It is possible to display personal identification without possessing personal identity.

Perhaps all creatures, great and small, should be required to have ID on them At All Times; photograph, name and title. FIDO and beneath that, DOG. It could be someone's job to go around nailing pictures of trees to trees, confirming them as trees, eliminating any doubt, guesswork, or potential fraud. Men in coveralls and jetpacks, affixing signs to clouds using future methods of adhesion we could not currently understand.

When you die (I think I should make it customary to end every blog entry with this sentence), your loved ones will be summoned to Identify your corpse, assuming of course that you have not been too badly burned, torn apart, or otherwise mutilated. Because you will be dead, and unable to say "I am Me! I am who I say I am!" And even if you could say that, if you died without ID on you, it wouldn't make any difference.

How To Avoid Things

When you are forced into a situation where you might have to listen to people talk that you might rather not listen to, simply put your fingers in your ears. That's kind of gross, actually, so just put your fingers on those little bits of flesh that are like in front of your earholes, whatever they're called, and press them so they cover up your actual earholes. It may then be necessary to sing a song to completely block out the sound of the person's voice.

If you are in a situation where singing is not viable, simply rapidly press in/out on your earhole covers and it will create noise enough to mask the blather. You can camouflage this action by pretending to rub your temples; the feigned soothing of an imaginary headache. (If you actually have a headache, which you probably do, so much the better.)

Should you be walking outside and come across a dead body lying in the gutter, or absent a gutter, a body lying on the side of the street, use your long bipedal stride to step neatly over the body and be on your way.

If you do not wish to see things like dead bodies in the street, simply press lightly with your index fingers on the tops of your eyes (more specifically, on your eyelid; this blog does not recommend placing your filthy fingers directly on your exposed eyeballs). After about ten seconds, your vision should fade, and you will be effectively blind. Don't worry, a few seconds after removing your fingers, your vision will return, allowing you to view the more pleasant parts of the world. (This blog is not liable for any permanent damage to your eyeballs.)

By these methods, you can avoid seeing and hearing things that you find unpleasant.