Wednesday, March 28, 2012


It is with great zeal that I, as head writer and curator of this blog, strive to maintain some semblance of accuracy in the material I post. Regrettably, this incredibly high standard is not always so easy to live up to. To follow are a few errors that appeared, to my chagrin, and other people's chagrin, and let's just say everyone experienced a good deal of chagrin, but the point is they appeared on this blog and it's time to take myself to task for it, in the form of a few Corrections and Retractions.

- On May 1st, 2011, it was asserted in these simulated pages that seagulls are unable to fly. I was, as you probably can understand, confusing seagulls with penguins. As a result of this error appearing on this blog, several thousand seagulls plummeted from mid-flight to earth, suffering major injuries and quite a few horrific deaths. In addition, a little over a dozen people were hit by falling seagulls; three were killed, eight hospitalized, and the remainder are still unaccounted-for (likely rendered instantly insane and currently wandering the streets aimlessly). I wish to correct this error by emphatically stating that seagulls can fly, and would further like to encourage any seagulls that are reading this to resume flight at their leisure.

- On September 27th, 2010, I took to task the leader of the fine United States for an action he had undertaken. Although I stand by my criticism, the events that followed have been catastrophic. Staggered by my critique, and suffering from a huge blow to his confidence, the President started making bizarre policy decisions and strange announcements, and began dealing in other untoward ways with the captaining of this country. The effects of his action have no doubt trickled down from the richest and most intelligent citizens to the idiot poor, and even further down to the readers of this blog. Now, I stand by my criticism. But where I wrote "19" in the third paragraph of the article in question, I should have written "shoulders". I have edited the blog post to reflect the correction of this error.

- On January 11th of this year, I wrote a series of blog posts. They were nonsensical in nature, contained jokes in poor or no taste, and were, in many cases, libelous and morally wrong. I take all that shit back.

- On Wednesday, March 28th, 2012, I wrote this entry. As I was writing it, I realized that the purpose behind all of these apologies lay in my own feelings of low esteem. I at once stood from my chair and ran into the street, barefoot, with a spear and a torch, and began a night of mayhem that will be long remembered by the inhabitants of this city. I blew up cars, I tossed telephone poles around like a childish puling infant. I painted fake doors on the sides of buildings, let people walk into the walls and bump their heads, and laughed devilishly as I passed through them as if they were real doors. I exchanged the tires of all the cars on my block with the tires of the cars two blocks away, and in the morning when everyone went to work, nobody noticed any difference. I started a food drive that became unruly and out of control; as I type this I am holding the front door shut with my back while an angry mob tries to cram cans of creamed corn through my mail slot. I flew a plane but forgot that I don't know how to fly a plane, so I jumped out over a cornfield and watched the plane fly off on autopilot, rising and disappearing into the night. (Drop me an email if you spot it.) I rewarded poor sportsmanship. I encouraged the bending of the rules. I shadowboxed myself into submission. I wasn't sorry and I didn't take any of it back, and then it was now.      

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