New Assignment

So I'm going to write an entry on this blog every day. Just writing that sentence made my wrists sort of lock up, but it's what I'm going to do, because 1) I have no reason not to, and 2) I'm a great writer. When people ask you why you read this blog, you'll be hard pressed to be hard pressed to have an answer, and that answer is: Great Writing. So not only will you be able to participate in reading this Great Blog with Great Writing on it, you'll be able to subtly put those people in their respective places who are poking their noses into your reading habits. Great Writing, Steve, that's why I read APKWIAB. Great Writing - maybe you've heard of it? Doesn't matter if he has or not, by God he'll pretend he has the faintest idea about what Great Writing is, if it means he won't be made to look inferior in front of his closest friends.

Humiliating others, that's another thing this blog is about. It isn't so much about funny cat pictures or videos (unless any potential advertisers advise me at any point that that is what this blog should be about), it isn't about spreading a message or spearheading a movement, or even transmitting knowledge of any kind, in any sense. It's just a way, the New Way, to make others feel bad about themselves for not being involved in the latest thing; which, quite obviously, is this blog. It's the Latest Thing. And now is your chance to get in on the ground floor of this outlying decrepit ramshackle hut on the fringe of the living internet, this blog. Although we just had the inspectors through and as it turns out, the ground floor is the only floor actually safe enough to allow anyone to get in on, structurally speaking.

Today's blog entry (at this point I should advise you that blog entries on this blog may consist largely of self-serving rhetoric for at least the first two paragraphs, and possibly for a parenthetical aside in the first sentence of the third one) is about soda. Boy, do I love soda. Nothing with HFCS (that's High Fructose Corn Syrup, I'll save your fingers the google), but these new sodas, with the Real Sugar in them. Great Writing Fueled by Real Sugar. That's the new motto around here. There's another thing that anyone interested in reading APKWIAB should get right on board with: new mottoes. I plan on instating a new motto in at least every entry, if not bi- or semi-entrially. Wait, I forget which one of those means what. I'm not wasting my time with accuracy, though, or googling anything or using my memory to know things. New mottoes, though - those are something I intend to fuck with and waste my time with. Soda - it's like sugar water, but tastes better and has bubbles! There you go, ad industry, that one's free.


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Time For A New Post

Well, we're in month eight of this blog, and it's progressing exactly as I had planned - I haven't updated it in eight months. It's actually going far better than I had planned. The response has been just overwhelming. I want to thank you all for your continued support, or should you discontinue your support at some future time, I want to thank you for the support you will potentially give up until the time you eventually stop giving support, and after that I don't want to thank you anymore.

A lot of things have been happening over here at APKWIAB HQ; APKWIAB HQ consisting as I understand it of a number of small whirring mechanisms within the body of the laptop I type this blog into, as well as an imaginary place on the internet where the things I type can be found by you yourself typing in a series of letters and numbers on your own personal computer.

To be honest, I was exaggerating when I said that a lot of things are happening over here at APKWIAB HQ, to be perfectly frank and honest there haven't been any things happening at all. Nothing has been written in as I said a period of eight months, and not a whole lot has happened in real life, either. From what I can piece together from glancing at the front pages of tabloid newspapers, certain politicians either are in or are not in very hot water over certain issues, or never were in hot water over any issues at all. Also, several celebrities may have died (as well as, I assume, several thousand normal people), and the governments of certain countries either have or haven't undergone drastic changes at the most fundamental levels, depending on the country. Music is still pretty terrible.


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Being Useful

What's the problem with most blogs? That's right, none of them contain useful information. I think the most obvious reason for cataloging useful information on the Internet, which will be around forever, is to pass that information on to future generations, who will hunch over little tiny computers and read printed words and probably not get all their information from cool talking naked holograms or anything. So I will now use this awesome power I have, tantamount to immortality, to record a message about history for my offspring, should I ever have any of my own, which I plan not to, or more likely for my nieces and nephews, who will undoubtedly be rabid to read about what their weird uncle was into in his thirties. Well what I'm into is HISTORY.

So today I will tell the story of Roe V. Wade. Roe was a man who grew up in Wisconsin in the 1960s, and he fought for the rights of the Abortionists, who were the sworn enemies of the Abolitionists. He eventually died of old age in 1978 (quite young), and that's why you often see his name along with the date of his death - Roe V. Wade (1978).

No, for real, I just looked it up. Roe is another term for fish eggs, and Roe V. Wade was a famous battle between fish eggs and a fisherman who Waded into the water to eat them, way back in 1978 (hence, Roe V. Wade [1978]). The battle took place during the civil war; in fact, it was one of the most important events in American History.


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Time To Monetize My Blog

Now that I've been blogging for a while, I think it's time to start cashing in. I want to thank my loyal subscribers, both of them, for sticking with me through the hard times earlier this afternoon, and for still being there to see this blog finally become successful. But first I want to tell you how I warm up for writing this blog. Thirty jumping jacks, then I run in place for half an hour. Ok thanks!


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Upon Reflection

I think it may have been unfair to assume that you assumed that I would be updating this blog as often as I (true enough, and a fair point) have been doing, so far this evening. It was presumptuous and more than a little rude, and also unfair. But now that I can look back at the events that have taken place on this web page, I can get a bit of perspective, a more enhanced perception of what the motives and themes, the motifs of this blog have come to me over the passage of time. Most of all, and at the forefront, is the theme of change. Nothing is set in stone, and if it is, eventually the stone will wear away and that thing will fall out onto the ground, or perhaps someone will notice that the area of the stone that surrounds the thing that's set in stone is starting to wear away, and that person will carefully remove whatever the thing is, and set it in another stone, possibly in a room or inside a small cave or somewhere else where the stone isn't quite so susceptible to being worn away, and maybe that thing will remain set in stone for quite a long time. At least until the house is demolished or the cave collapses, killing the person who so carefully sought to make sure that this precious thing was safe, whatever it is or was, making for a frightfully intense statement and a cautionary tale, to be sure.


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Announcement Of Reduction Of Expectations To Be Placed On Me

Since you're a new reader of this blog, you probably were under the impression that I will be updating it every fifteen minutes or so, which would also imply that not a whole lot of thought is going into my posts, and that it only takes me fifteen minutes to write an entire entry. Nothing could be further from the truth. Allow me to explain. Our story begins long ago, before this blog was ever published - last Tuesday, to be exact. I should at this point mention that the main thrust of this blog is to maintain a complete air of accuracy and precision, with no deviance from the strictest objective reporting of events to take place. I intend to make the most exhaustively researched, carefully constructed blog about the events of my pointless life that anyone has ever made about the events of their pointless lives, which, that sounds like some person somewhere might have more than one life. Which is possible, if you believe in reincarnation, or if you are a cat. I wonder if cats believe that they themselves have nine lives, just from what they've pieced together from listening to humans talking about them all the time, incessantly. They don't seem terribly interested in most of anything any person has to say, if you want my honest opinion, unless you're holding a can of cat food. That is, I don't think the cats are interested in what people are saying unless one of them (the people) is holding a can of cat food - not that you, the reader, might not want my honest opinion about what cats may or may not be thinking unless you are right at this moment holding a can of cat food, which if you are for some reason reading this while holding a can of cat food then I think you would most definitely be interested in my thoughts on what cats' thoughts might be. Dogs, on the other hand, seem incredibly interested in almost anything a person might say that even seems to be obliquely directed at them. I'm sure if we'd decided that it were dogs that are purported to have nine lives, they would sure as hell know about it! They pay attention, and if you didn't have to take them outside and allow them to defecate in the street every six hours or so, they would have taken cats' jobs long, long ago, my friend. Mi amigo.

Specific Guidelines For Hanging Oneself

Ah, see how I drew you in with that alluring title? You were a little concerned, but you thought this might be another one of my brilliant posts in which I lambaste or parodize or satire something that is actually deadly serious - something like HANGING YOURSELF?! (I made a little pun there when I said "deadly serious", but I want to get serious for a second and say that you should make no mistake - hanging yourself is deadly serious business. If you are going to hang yourself, make sure you have investigated all the risk factors.) No, the last thing I would want to do is to make light of something as deadly, deadly, serious as hanging by one's own neck until inevitable strangulation and final death occur. I realize now, again, that when you read these blog posts, it's not like you have to click on the title and then it takes you to another page where the content is revealed, so really, there's no need to try to draw you, the reader, into the blog post with some sort of low-rent shabby gimmicky title. Unless of course you're browsing the index of my posts, long from now, and the title does, in fact, draw you in to reading this post, which isn't actually about hanging yourself. I suppose this is as good a place as any to begin the apology for this post. I agree the title is misleading, but who doesn't like to be misled, to be jerked around, or to have someone jerk their chain, so to speak, if the end result is being exposed to a piece of flowery iridescent prose? I realize now that you may have misunderstood what I mean by having one's chain jerked. You may think it is nothing more than a shabby, low-rent, low-brow appeal to your baser nature, a reference perhaps to pleasuring oneself, or even perhaps to hanging oneself! Which it just ran across my mind that a chain, although a little cold on the neck at first, might make an excellent option for the length of material required to loop around one's own neck before plunging from a chair or table with the other end affixed securely to a rafter - whatever that is. But never mind investigating what a rafter is, we'll come back to that, I want to really begin to fully explain my reasoning for using such a ghastly, reprehensible title for what has so far been a mostly informative and deeply philosophical blog post. Oh, but I'm out of room.