Sunday, April 22, 2012


It's a safe bet that in a tense social situation, you are going to feel a little agitated. It is an inevitable, unenviable byproduct of being amongst people, especially your peers, or people who aren't your peers. What you should do in this situation is eat a lot of cookies. Trust me. I just ate a lot of cookies and I feel great.

Cookies are full of vitamins and minerals. They help to strengthen your immune system and make your vision at least twice as strong. You can eat them instead of regular food and shit will work out great. You have to eat a lot of them, though. This is a cautionary tale, to be sure - many people have set out to eat cookies and have made the fatal (not fatal) mistake of only eating one, or sometimes two cookies. Everyone knows you need to eat at least four and as many as sixteen in order for their health benefits to become apparent.

Cookies make your skin tighter, reducing the appearance of crow's feet and jelly legs. Once you've eaten eight or nine cookies, you will instantly notice a difference in the beauty quality of your whole entire shit. You will look a fucking lot better. They will help you with your figure and your physique, as well as your mental. Your brain just starts to feel like it's finally locked into a groove at around cookie #7. You will be able to do cool hard math problems. You will do your taxes, at all. Your taxes will do themselves, I should say. Your taxes will do you! That's how easy it is to eat cookies and feel great and positive about how your whole dome feels.

Don't delay! Go out and buy a lot of cookies and just eat them shits. They will go down like a smooth business transaction, or like your sister on prom night. Sorry, that was an easy joke, but I'm just trying to get across to you the importance of eating a lot of cookies and eating them right. You gotta just stuff them in your whole mouth and chew em. Nobody will look askance at you. 

Feed the extra cookies to a dog if there's one around. Dog benefits from eating the cookie. It's not even bad. Dog knows it too, he will wolf them right up, or dog them right up, I guess, help me out here ladies. You and your dog will go to the bank and just start cashing checks that you have, some of them are made out to you and some of them are made out to your dog, or you can sign some of your checks over to your dog. It's cool to help out a dog if it's in dire financial straits, if it needs help until it gets its tax return back from the Dog Government. You can just give the dog a few cookies until that fat check rolls around and your dog is rolling in dough, cookie dough that is. I apologize for all the puns, but I think you take my meaning that I am going to do whatever it takes to make a cookies be eaten by you.

In conclusion, get a dog and cookies and feed the extra cookies to the dog after you eat twenty or thirty of them. You don't even need to name the dog, just say "cookies" and it will think that is its name, and any houseguests you have will also think that too. Cookies isn't a bad name for a dog, now that I think about it, but don't name your dog fuckin anything. 

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