Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Just Relax

Coming home from a hectic day at work? Just finished your daily round of illegal cow-milking? Having a nail driven directly into your third eye? You need to relax, girl, or boy. And you have tuned into the correct frequency on the internet for relaxation to occur - we're pumping out gushing rivers of soothing text today at APKWIAB, all day! 24 hours a day, seven days out of about every 13 days, excluding national holidays, including state holidays, extruding local holidays.

Just sit back and relax. Or if you find it uncomfortable/not relaxing to sit back (maybe your chair suffers from faulty construction), sit forward and relax. Lean all the way forward, but let's say not so far forward that you might fall down, just to be safe. Or you could find some middle ground, neither sitting forward nor backward, and certainly not sideways, but rather at a comfortable, relaxing angle that allows you to fully be comfortable and relax.

My point is that you should find a good way to sit in your chair, or wherever you're sitting, that feels good to you. Me, I like to sit all the way back when I relax. I just pull up a chair or whatever and sit all the way back until I can't sit any further back. One time I sat back so far that I came out the other side of the chair! That's not actually true. It's a joke. It would be funny if that happened though, or if you sat back to the point where you ended up sitting in a chair directly behind your chair. At which point you'd have to start all over again with sitting back, and you might find yourself in still another chair behind the first two, and the process would repeat until, well I imagine until there were no more chairs behind your chairs.

I don't want to try to trump or best anyone's preferred method of sitting back in anticipation of relaxation, is all I'm trying to say. No one way of sitting back should be given any preferential treatment over any other way, in my opinion; after all this is America and the last thing that should happen here is for someone to tell someone else a more correct way of sitting in a chair. It's not fair, and it's unconstitutional.

So now I assume you have a relatively comfortable angle at which you have positioned your body. Let the relaxation begin. Close your eyes and exhale loudly through your nostrils. Slacken your jaw and allow all of your muscles to become completely loose and floppy. Let everything go, feel the tension melt away. Let go of the muscles that hold in your urine and feces and let it all fill up your pants. Imagine you are floating in a river, a bumpy river that's more than a little bit polluted.

Whoa! Wait, hang on, I forgot to tell you that you need to forget everything you're thinking about. Did I mention that? Jesus, I have been remiss. Under no circumstances should you think about the guy that you're pretty sure your wife has been clandestinely blowing, or the possibility that there is a large cancer growing on and around an important organ you might have or not have. Definitely do not think about how you have no money! That's a big one. Whatever you do, do not think about how your bank balance is impossibly low. And if you have so little money that you do not even have a bank account, or so much debt that you do not have any money at all, do not think about that either. Oh, and don't think about that stupid face you make when you try to work out how words are spelled.

All right, so now that you are fully relaxed, stand up and attack your life's work - however insignificant and rudimentary and inconsequential and ultimately meaningless it may be - with renewed vigor. You will now have forgotten that you are not important! It's like magic, how this works. There is no need to thank me - I stress this point most of all in my Relaxation Seminar, now available for $100,000 on DVD or iTunes. I do not require the fealty and adoration of the legion of peons that I save the sanity of on a daily basis. Allow your face to melt away. Sit in chairs, and support the chair industry. Bounce oddly on your feet as you walk to work. These seemingly minor actions are all that I require that it is mandatory that you do.

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