Thank you for your interest in our Korean Food Restaurant. You are probably dying to get right down to eating some good old Korean Food! Not that the food itself would be old. It would be new Korean Food, as you may already be accustomed to regularly eating at another Korean Food Restaurant. Before you get started, however, there are a few things you should know about our establishment.
First of all, we do not currently serve Korean Food. Hang onto your hat, if you have one. If you don't have a hat, it's fine to securely grasp the top of your own head. We tried making Korean Food for a few weeks, but none of us are Korean, and only one of us even knows how to cook at all, and he is pretty much only good at making pizza bagels in the toaster oven. Which we have been eating a LOT of, lately. But that's neither here nor there.
You're probably asking yourself at this point something like What The Hell Did I Put On My Good Shirt With The Buttons And Drive All The Way Here To Get Korean Food For When You Don't Even Make Or Have Any. To answer the second part of your question first, we did for a while try ordering from another Korean Restaurant and reselling their food to patrons of our restaurant such as yourself. That worked for a little while, but there was the issue of the longer wait for what was, ultimately, secondhand food; also we think the other restaurant may have eventually caught on, because they eventually stopped filling our orders. (They are located directly across the street from us and are quite successful, which was the original reason we decided on this location for our Korean Food Restaurant.)
But to address the first part of your concern, What Am I Doing Here In My One Good Unstained Shirt, you need only relax and let our solution wash over you like warming sexual lubricant. You may have also noticed that we don't presently have an actual physical restaurant available for you to eat in. Rest assured that if we did, we would be the very first people to offer you a place to eat your outside food. We toyed with the idea of opening an "Eating Room" of sorts, with this being its express purpose, but that idea was voted down. In any event, we encourage you with the fullness of our beings to not despair, fret, or regret your choice of our Authentic Mexican-Style Korean Food Restaurant (we've undergone a few slight menu changes since we started out to write to you) as your destination for taste-bud titillation and general evening atmospheresence. No, indeed.
We at this restaurant have only one wish: that you eat the best food possible and have sex tonight, and that you do both with the most attractive available member of your species and gender of choice. We want to get you laid, and let's just all make sure we understand that right up front. Nothing would make us happier than to see you slipping and sliding around on a rubbery bed with your sexual equal. To be totally up front and honest about the whole thing, we hope you think of us as you achieve orgasm later on tonight. Not us as individual owners of a Cajun/Caribbean/Mexican-Style Korean Food Restaurant, but as an organization. We're going to make this happen together.
So, we hope this has cleared up any questions or concerns you may have had about our former Korean Food Restaurant. We also hope this has cleared up any acne you may have had, although we make no claims as to the potential dermatologic benefits of reading this message. We hope you drive a very fast car one day along the coast of a picturesque ocean or other large body of water, and that the wind buffets your face and hair and sunglasses in a not-unpleasant fashion. We hope that one of your favorite songs starts playing, and you look back fondly on the day when you visited our restaurant and then got it on deep into the night, and as the chorus of the song crescendoes you open your mouth and throw your head back and unleash a string of meaningless vocables directly at the sun, cosmically linking you with everything and nothing.
Finally, we hope you one day own a tank full of frogs, or a stylish full-length mirror, or a tube of chapstick in a flavor that you really like. Or all three.
*this blog entry was rejected from McSweeney's web site thing. I know, it's hard to imagine