Sunday, January 9, 2011

Tonight At The Bodega

Working out the kinks. Just gettin my sea legs over here. Don't pay attention for a little while. What's funny these days? Whatchu kids watchin in there? Here I'll do my impressions. No no wait wait I'll tell my Paris Hilton jokes! OK I'll just tell one of them. What does Paris Hilton have in common wait I screwed up the beginning. What's the same thing as Paris Hilton, wait. What's Paris Hilton the same as? A vacuum cleaner. Because they both suck dicks! Well, my vacuum cleaner does, anyway. I'm kidding - I don't have a vacuum cleaner. Here, I'll do another one. No little Jimmy, go ask your mother to feed you, I'm busy entertaining everyone! Whoops I sloshed a little bit of my drink out of my glass. Just keep composed, keep your composure. I, er, ah, want to thank you all for coming to my internet party. Can you see I'm sweating through my shirt? That's normal. It happens to normal people with jobs and everything. You're at work, you're putting some papers in the, machine or whatever, whatever it is people do at jobs in an office. You're walkin around, comparing your situation to a contemporary workplace comedy, and the next thing you know you're fuckin sweating right through your shirt. I know! I know. Seems like we would have figured out by now how to keep your disgusting armpits from soaking your clothes, creating large embarrassing stains. But we haven't! That's just life I guess, ha ha. Wouldn't it be funny if you saw a dog wearing a shirt and it had those little sweat circles under the armpits, well dogs don't really have armpits. Why do they put those little shirts on dogs but no pants, anyway? I guess you could draw little fake sweat circles in the approximate area of where the armpits would be on a dog's shirt, that would be pretty clever, but I just remembered that dogs don't sweat. Did you know that little Jimmy? Dogs don't sweat. No, not ever. I'm glad I can sweat and soak my fucking expensive fine clothing every time my fat ass exerts the slightest bit of effort, and I'm not as physiologically advanced as a fuckin DOG for chrissakes, who can sweat through his mouth like a normal fuckin well-adjusted evolved animal who can also lick his own balls, which are also never sweaty. God I fucking hate dogs. I don't hate them I'm just so fucking JEALous I mean what the FUCK

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