Friday, May 31, 2013

Weaponized Mexican Food

When you enter the arena of battle, the field of combat, you should always choose the right tool for the job, the right armament for the situation. The same is true for when you enter the field of dinner, or lunch.

Obviously, the burrito stands out at the most deadly of the Mexican food items. Whether you want to drop that thing in a mortar, triangulating red spicy on enemies up to 2 clicks away, carnage asada, or fire it from an M249 grenade launcher, multiple rounds, THOONK, the explosive power of the burrito is unparalleled. But do not overlook the burrito as a method of delivering straight blunt force trauma. When wielded like a brick, things can get messy for your enemy.

Chilaquiles are more of a defensive weapon. Throw them up as a smokescreen, a breakfast foil, to create confusion among the ranks of your foes. Nachos are good for camouflage; we need only remember the exploits of SEAL Team Tex-Mex as they crawled through the jungle, virtually invisible with guacamole battledress and deep chips, jalapeno insignias.

While deployed, you may get hungry. Do not eat your weaponry! I know it's tempting, everything looks good when compared to an MRE. Instead, though, simply boil up a plate of 5.56mm standard rounds. They can be a little firm at first, but with some chewing work and an iron jaw, you'll get 'em down, al dente ammunition. Similarly, eating the butt end of a rifle provides a lot of good fiber for your diet, and the best part is, no preparation is necessary! Just take a bite of that stock like a cartoon character.

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