Wednesday, May 8, 2013

How To Avoid Things

When you are forced into a situation where you might have to listen to people talk that you might rather not listen to, simply put your fingers in your ears. That's kind of gross, actually, so just put your fingers on those little bits of flesh that are like in front of your earholes, whatever they're called, and press them so they cover up your actual earholes. It may then be necessary to sing a song to completely block out the sound of the person's voice.

If you are in a situation where singing is not viable, simply rapidly press in/out on your earhole covers and it will create noise enough to mask the blather. You can camouflage this action by pretending to rub your temples; the feigned soothing of an imaginary headache. (If you actually have a headache, which you probably do, so much the better.)

Should you be walking outside and come across a dead body lying in the gutter, or absent a gutter, a body lying on the side of the street, use your long bipedal stride to step neatly over the body and be on your way.

If you do not wish to see things like dead bodies in the street, simply press lightly with your index fingers on the tops of your eyes (more specifically, on your eyelid; this blog does not recommend placing your filthy fingers directly on your exposed eyeballs). After about ten seconds, your vision should fade, and you will be effectively blind. Don't worry, a few seconds after removing your fingers, your vision will return, allowing you to view the more pleasant parts of the world. (This blog is not liable for any permanent damage to your eyeballs.)

By these methods, you can avoid seeing and hearing things that you find unpleasant.

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