Friday, May 24, 2013

Help Wanted

We are looking for an unmotivated, disorganized individual to join our organization. Candidates must be unfamiliar with most office software and be uncomfortable in fast-paced environments. Attention to detail is not important; the ideal applicant will not even be able to visually distinguish objects from the backgrounds they lay against, will literally not be able to separate the trees from the forest.

We are not looking for someone to be part of a team, to build relationships with their coworkers, or even really get along with people that well. This is just a job. We are looking for an employee, someone to punch in/punch out and not devote a single second outside work to thinking about work. You should not have a smartphone with email capabilities. You must not be available to work nights or weekends.

An ideal hire for this position will be completely unaware of the existence/nature of Social Media. Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Youtube - these words will bounce off our prospective worker like wads of paper tossed at them by a classmate in junior high school. You should be ignorant of and mildly irritated by the internet.

We don't want a people person; we barely even want a person. Don't be animated and driven. We'll tell you what to do. Simply present us with a shell of who you are, your closest approximation of what a human being resembles. Be alive only in the most literal sense of the word; breathe, eat lunch, sit in a chair.

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