Welcome to our ool. You will notice there is no shit in it. Please help us keep it that way.
Due to recent tightening of government restrictions on public facility cleanliness, we must ask that you no longer defecate in the swimming pool; instead, please make use of one of our two "toilets" that are available in the locker room area. We understand that this may seem like an unreasonable request.
If it were up to us, you could shit just about anywhere you liked, within the walls of this institution. To us, the managerial staff, it harkens back to a time of the "Old New York City" of the 70s and 80s.
Things were a lot better then, in our opinion - no yuppies wandering around with golden retrievers, an "authentic" "urban" feel of "real danger" that was present anytime you were outside. Shit was king. But, sadly, those days are gone. Gentrification, and its resultant scrutiny of Our Neighborhoods by government health and safety officials, has arrived.
Time was, you could drop your trunks at the edge of the pool and shit right on someone's head while they were swimming. Of course, most people swam with weapons on their person in those days, so you ran the risk of being stabbed or shot. But whatever happened to being able to just take a dump in the pool, then hopping in and maybe sliding a knife between someone's ribs before busting out some breaststroke?
In any event, we further and totally apologize for any potential inconvenience. We understand if you want to hurt us - the staff of this facility - personally. This is a natural reaction to such a restrictive government clampdown. We submit that it would not be out of order in this situation to murder one or two staff members when you come down to the pool next time. Totally understandable.
Also, Adult Coed Lap Swim will be canceled this Thursday.