Friday, January 10, 2014

Apartment Hunting In The Dystopian Future

There's one common thread that runs through the digestive system of the giant animal that is the genre of dystopian dark future sci-fi movies: shitty apartments. Apparently, the leaps and bounds made in other areas in these films -- faster-than-light travel, laser technology, planetary colonization -- do not translate into your average working man or woman being able to afford anything other than a cramped, overpriced hell hole of a flat. The only improvement I can identify in this arena of housing, in fact, is that apartment buildings in the future can be built really, really tall.

So are you at all surprised that a lot of these protagonists are selling their places? Here's a rundown of the latest units that have come onto the market recently. Note: I have excluded any freestanding homes, like Murphy's house in Robocop, or Luke's aunt and uncle's ranch home in the first Star Wars (everyone lives in an apartment in the Star Wars prequels, but they're not even real movies so fuck them). I have also excluded spaceship living quarters.   

Quaid And Lori's 1 BR, Total Recall - 1.2 Million
This place actually isn't that shitty. You got the nice little kitchen where you can make a morning shake using every ingredient in the fuckin house, including ketchup, wonder bread, and - is that a bowl of pierogies? I think they just filmed what Arnold actually ate for breakfast and used it.

You also have the TV wall, which is great for getting info about Cohaagen, when your hot wife isn't blocking you from seeing what's going on in the space news about Mars.

Corbin Dallas's Studio, The Fifth Element - $120K
Granted, it's a little cramped, a point that's hammered home by the filmmakers during the scene where all the appliances pop out of the wall and eat people. But smoking is allowed, pets are welcome, the flying Chinese food delivery boat comes right to your front window, and it has an attached garage. You can feel right at home here, shirtless, bleaching your receding hair and having wry conversations with your old boss, or your mother, or your new boss.

Ripley's Studio, Aliens - $75K
Technically this is a room aboard a space station, but we're going to allow it. As far as I can tell, this place is the only permanent lodging Ripley has in any of the four alien movies, and she's only there for about 3 minutes of movie time. Kind of resembles a more-spacious airplane lavatory.

Still, it's a cozy little space - ideal for having nightmares, absently smoking cigarettes at 3 or 4 AM, or entertaining two guys from the military-industrial complex who drop by for some clear cups of coffee and don't even drink them. Or maybe just kicking back under the full-panel ambient light fixtures and reading a copy of People magazine, which inexplicably came back into print in the late 24th century. Nice mirrors, videophone included, shithead cats OK, smoking OK.

Deckard's 1BR, Blade Runner - 1.5 Million
This cozy spot is perfect for the semi-retired police detective (in all of us) who likes to just curl up with a glass of bourbon and play one or two notes on the (included) piano, or maybe pore over some crime scene photos on his 1980s space VCR/computer thing. Great spot to bring a chick who may or may not be a cyborg for some icky semi-consensual sex. Plenty of artificial light.

1 comment:

  1. It's never said where Ripley's apartment is. It could be planetside.