Thursday, April 11, 2013

Tax Time Again, Boys And Girls

and I know a lot of you are trying not to think about it, or putting it off, or putting off trying not to think about it, or trying to abstain from thought entirely. Some others of you are buckling down, hunkering down, settling in, rolling up your sleeves, licking your lips, exhaling sharply, saying things quietly or loudly to yourself like OK and Here We Go, putting on a green accountant's visor, sharpening pencils, doing the dishes, walking the dog, OK I feel like I got a little sidetracked here.

My important point that I had to get across is that some of you are stalling on doing your taxes, and some of you are just totally gettin in there and doing them right away. I don't know I think anybody who falls into any other category. This is potentially interesting (not interesting) but what I really want to talk about is what I mentioned to some people earlier tonight, and that's that it's crucial that you get your taxes done, because you don't want to have any loose ends to tie up when you eventually die.

You don't want to meet your eventual, inevitable death and have there be a lot of red tape left over. You want to be in that coffin, or urn on the mantel, or on that I-donated-my-body-to-science table, and you want to be Relaxed. All your paperwork and e-paperwork neatly filed in a cabinet or on a giant hard drive underneath the surface of Nevada (respectively); nothing for your No Children Or Immediate Heirs to worry about. At peace. Totally square with the federal government.

I know when I come to my reward, I'm gonna feel a lot better while I'm waiting in that line (heaven or hell, as depicted, traditionally both have very long lines) if I know that I took care of all my tax shit for the fiscal year 2013. The guy or gal I'm rubbing elbows with, or lacking a corporeal body I guess the elbows of my soul with, my spiritual elbows, is not gonna be so self-assured. He's gonna be shaking in his ghostly boots, quaking in them even, aching in his heart, praying that St. Peter or I guess the devil or whoever is the bookkeeper in hell doesn't have his tax returns from 2013. I hear that hell's accountant is a real hard-on, and hell's audits are, to say the least, exhaustive.

So get your taxes done, so you can die old and leave a financially solvent corpse.

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