Pirates

As long as we're on the subject of things that are really cool, let me take this lovely foggy Wednesday evening to talk about Pirates. Not the grubby "ethnic" type of pirates, the ones that currently exist as depicted by CNN, those guys of course are just criminals, maybe terrorists, and deserve sniper bullets to the head. I mean the cool old-timey pirates that just went around doing whatever they wanted, making quips, and swordfighting.

You could always count on those good old pirates, I'm not really sure where they were from, but they spoke with that cool pirate slang. Did you know there's a box on facebook that you can click that will turn all the posts and like the date and time and stuff into Pirate words? Dope. I just found out about it, and as you know, you can always turn to APKWIAB to hip you to the latest internet tricks. But so yeah, pirates always say like "arr" and "there be the gold!" and stuff like that, and I don't think I need to explain to you why talking like that is freakin hilarious!! Imagine, you're, I don't know, at your job, or just hanging loose, and some guy comes up and is like "arr!" to you! And everyone just cracks up laughing? And then for the one-two, he follows up with "where be my beer?" or like "where...how are ye?" ahaha. Or just whatever, you make it into pirate talk.

But those old-fashioned pirates were the best. They never hijacked the working man's boats, they were always after some stuffy English dude that would shoot cannons at them just because their flag was a skull and crossbones instead of that stupid weird flag the English people have that kinda looks like an American flag but has like, a lion on it, I think. I mean, skull and crossbones?!? How cool would it be if you had a car that instead of numbers on the license plate, it had a bunch of skulls. You know the cops would write you a ticket and give you a bunch of shit for that, nothing ever changes I guess. The other day a cop told me to get off the sidewalk because I was "loitering". Wow, just wow. Seriously? Wow. Really? Seriously? Wow. Serio-- Wow. Really? Wow

If I were a pirate, I would have the baddest-assed ship around, and it wouldn't be hard judging from some of the America's Cup footage I watched on cable recently. Most sailboats seem to be much smaller, and the crews look like they would be a pushover for my pirate crew to take over their shit...from. I would add extra modern weapons to my pirate ship though, like flamethrowers and grenade launchers, fuck that cannon shit. I don't even really know what a cannonball is, is it just like a big metal ball that shoots out of a cannon? Not a very good weapon, you might as well just shoot a bunch of rocks at somebody.

Arr! There be the gold! Aha. My post was getting a little off-topic there, and I just wanted to bring it back to Cool Pirate Talk. Oh my God. I just thought of something. What if you made your facebook posts all in Pirate Talk already, so when you pressed the button to change them to Pirate Mode they didn't change at all. I think tomorrow I'm gonna make all my posts in Pirate Talk and when someone asks me, or when they post a comment that asks me "What did you do, switch your facebook to Pirate Mode?" I'll be like "No!" Or "Nay!" (Pirate version), and it'll probably throw them for a loop. Or maybe I'll be like THAT'S JUST THE WAY THAT I TALK!


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