Being Famous

Being famous is not easy. You have to start thinking about everything you say, instead of just allowing your thoughts to gush directly from your mouth. With every word you must consider: Could what I am saying right now be offensive to someone? Am I really doing my best to inspire people? What will my children think of what I am saying right now? And my children's children? You have to think, stupid. I know you're used to immediately reverting to verbal diarrhea. I know you like to use horrifyingly unoriginal and disgusting figures of speech like "verbal diarrhea". Who was the first person who used that term, and how did it go over so well? I am 100% certain that it was the same person who invented the term "brain fart". Is this what you want your legacy to be? A litany of scatological metaphors? No, you gotta be smart, stupid.

Once you're famous, you also have to start dressing better. And eating right, too. You have to get plenty of exercise, and listen to what people are saying when they're trying to tell you important things. You have a responsibility to your fans to look good, be well-informed, and be in good health. You might say, "Being famous sounds a lot like being a small child. All of a sudden I can't eat burgers at 5 in the morning, or watch TV marathons? I can't aurally scan people's voices when they talk to me, sifting through their meaningless sentences in search of praise and offers of cash?" Well, OK, you've got a point, maybe this is a bit of a hard-sell. I mean, we can't all be perfect. The trick is to start small. Set goals to overcome one of these bad habits at a time, and keep an eye on yourself to make sure they don't start creeping back in to your daily routine.

Nah, fuck that. Just make up lies, it's a lot easier. Run into someone on the street at 7AM on your way home from somewhere seedy, while they are on their way to work? Tell 'em you're on your way to work too, at your job of being frighteningly relevant. Wait for them to blather their way through a few sentences, then pretend you're getting a phone call, and put your phone to your ear and give the person the finger as you walk away. It's not like their existence matters, haha. You are famous now, and that is the only meaningful thing left to be in this world. If you're not famous (or haven't yet become famous...nah you're not gonna be famous), you are going to have a small funeral where probably no one important will be there. Maybe your mom will go up and read a eulogy about how much you loved sports and what a big sports fan you were. She'll be wearing an article of clothing that bears the logo of what had been your favorite sports team. Then the team will be sold 6 months later and will move to a different city and it will almost be like your mom was lying.

So what am I wasting my time here for? You ain't gonna be famous, so you might as well go around acting the way you've been acting and looking the way you've been looking. It's not going to make a difference, and no one's going to remember you anyway. Sorry to end this post on a bit of a downer, but it's quite frankly my business to tell people like it is. No need to sugarcoat things; it's about time someone sat you down and had this talk with you, finally. I should have told you to sit down before you read this.

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